There is a lot to be said for cultivating a relaxed approach towards sex. There’s a whole different world of infinite possibilities to explore that a lot of people miss because they have sex in pursuit of the peak orgasm.
Typical sex looks like man arouses woman’s clitoris and vagina until she comes. Man enters her until he comes. Repeat, over and over. People in long term relationships often end up disillusioned with this approach. Women shut down and men wonder why its getting harder to get aroused.
Relaxed effortless sex looks like an embrace, it looks like finding your own ember of arousal within, and stoking your own fire through the pleasure of being in your loved one’s embrace. And getting in touch with your own sexual energy through breath and sound and focusing on relaxing and feeling. It looks like sex without the clitoral stimulation, no blow jobs, sex without foreplay, sex without excitement. It doesn’t indulge in fantasy nor rely on visual stimulation but it does favour eye contact. To an observer, it may not look like very much is happening at times, but they may be the times when the pleasure is the most incredible. Sometimes it can be very passionate, but sometimes it is very still, when the energy is very strong, only micro-movements are mind blowing.
Relaxed effortless sex is possible when a couple are open to the possibility that sex doesn’t have to require doing anything more than putting the bodies together. Observing your response, and being true to the energy as it arises in your body. It happens when a person is willing to practice becoming deeply embodied. Being completely present with their body's sensations and breath. When a person has awareness of energy and has practiced it a lot, the movement of energy becomes effortless. Just a thought in that direction and the orgasms begin.
When we expand our definitions of what an orgasm is, all sort of orgasmic experiences are the result.
An orgasm is simply a contraction and expansion of energy. It may be experienced very strongly, such as a strong genital orgasm, it could arise from any part of your body, not just the genitals, or it could be experienced at a more subtle level, such as cellular, or energetic. When we pay attention to these more subtle orgasmic sensations, they grow and become very intriguing and our experience of pleasure enters a new dimension. We can expand all pleasure by breathing into it, and sex in such a relaxing and expansive way becomes very fulfilling for couples, it can become a spiritual practice because of the wonderful opportunity it presents you both to journey deeply within yourself into otherwise unknowable inner terrains and blissful rejuvenating expanses, because of the embrace of the other.
Relaxation is what allows the female to achieve the most sexual arousal, like when we are the most aroused, we are in another world completely, our limbs hang heavy and spastic, we are star fished as they say, I mean so satiated with pleasure we can’t move. Then the man who is sensitive and absorbent to her energy, because his own focus is internal and his sensitivity is developed can sense and feel everything that she experiences, can follow her into these exalted realms. To get her there, all he needs is unwavering masculine presence. And then he simply needs to hold on and surrender to where she takes them.
When sex takes place for a long time, which is easier when there is more stillness, the movements are smaller and more conscious, and when there is more focus on connection rather than action, then the feminine and masculine magnetic energy between the cervix and the tip of the penis can be re-established. Most of us have lost this through too much friction and not enough awareness with the movements. When we allow our sexual organs to respond to each other naturally rather than trying to force something, energy can start to stream, and these opposing positive and negative energies can awaken each other. Sex becomes so sublime and another world opens up, and another one! Cervical orgasms are described by women as mind blowing spiritual experiences. When the naturalness of the cervix and the penis is restored, the penis can start to snake and to dance of its own accord, and the cervix can open like a flower and start to caress and kiss the tip of the penis which is an experience you would never forget.
Sex arousal and discharge is controlled by the nervous system, which is made up of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems.
In normal sex, the focus is on over stimulating the parasympathetic nervous system.
Parasympathetic - if penetrated too quickly, or too strong stimulation too soon, (anything interpreted by the vagina as an invasion) shuts down the body and freezes up to numb the body to avoid pain. The nervous centre in a woman remains numb if we are penetrated too quickly. Clitoral orgasms release dopamine which is an addictive type of hormone, it leaves us wanting more, and again.
Sympathetic -The other side of the system is when its relaxed and open and wide is a very strong connection to an altered state of consciousness. It takes time to open the deeper tissues of the vagina and for them to become part of the orgasmic experience. When the time is taken to allow the vagina to open naturally and willingly to penetration, and then slow conscious love making ensues, a cocktail of chemicals is released in the brain. Oxytocin, Melatonin and Serotonin are created by the deep breathing and relaxation and the pleasure magnifies, and the thymus gland releases endorphins.
The brain naturally creates DMT, and the bodies merge into oneness, and the eternal present opens behind your eyes.
A beautiful sutra from Karpatri, a Tantra scripture, says:
Universal energy, the substance of the world,
Is represented by the Yoni which grasps the Lingam.
It is only when the phallus, the giver of semen,
Is surrounded by the Yoni,
That God can manifest
And the Universe appear.
We have this capacity to experience communion with all that is and spiritual union with our beloved. It seems a shame to go through life and miss it due to doing things in a habitual way. We are taught that sex is about doing and about technique and about doing whatever it takes to last as long as possible, and to give the biggest orgasms possible, but in fact the best sex is about the quality of presence you bring, and has little to do with what you do. It is more about the relationship you have with yourself, and how willing you are to be vulnerable and emotional, and go deeply into your own being with another.
It is simply the art of relaxation through arousal. Relaxed, effortless sex. It requires us to strip away our conditioning and to be innocent and real and truly curious about the possibilities of sex as spiritual union.
To commune with your beloved in such a way is a deeply fulfilling experience that self generates love and desire eternally.